by Cassie Benson
I have a tendency to be a control freak. (I’ll give a pause here so my husband can take time to appreciate that I am admitting to that fact.) I like order. I like schedules. Spreadsheets make me happy. Overall I just like things to work according to my meticulously thought-out plans. As a CPA these personality traits can be great assets to my career. However, in my personal everyday, messy, crazy life they can be a huge stumbling block.
Three and a half years ago Brock and I were in the midst of a pretty unsettling time. His position in the ministry was in a complete state of upheaval and my precious grandmother suddenly passed away. To say we were in a season of sadness would be a gross understatement. In the midst of that season we decided that it would help to bring some joy back to our lives if we had another child. We knew we wanted more children and decided this was the perfect time as it would put my ideal 2.5 year age difference between Kandler and his next sibling. I had it all figured out. I began to tell God my plan and was certain it was exactly what He wanted for us.
Months began to roll by and all I got was negative pregnancy tests. I tried to give God the benefit of the doubt. Maybe He was trying to teach me patience. Surely He could teach me that in just a couple of months’ time and then He’d fulfill the plan like I had clearly laid it out for Him. Nine months passed by and we finally got the news we were hoping for – I was pregnant. We thanked God for being faithful (to fulfill the plan I wanted) and thought everything was falling back in order. Unfortunately, our season of sadness was about to come back harder than ever. Over the course of the next several weeks we were told the baby (or fetus as our doctor unfortunately kept describing it) was not developing as it should. There was no heartbeat. We begged and prayed for God to defy the doctor’s diagnosis and allow them to find a heartbeat but sadly they could not.
We were devastated. We cried together like no other time I can remember in our marriage. I wish I could say I continuously praised God through the midst of the storm but I would be lying. I was hurt and angry. Why would God not just follow the plan I had. It was a great plan.
Thankfully while God was teaching me an incredibly important lesson for my life He remained patient with me. He didn’t abandon me as I went back and forth (sometimes in the course of an hour) from saying I trusted Him to crying on the floor angry at Him because my prayer wasn’t answered. It was a constant struggle that I failed over and over yet He didn’t give up on me. He began to do a work in my heart to help teach me something I wouldn’t have learned through any other means but heartache:
God is good at His job.
Some of you may be thinking you learned that little truth long ago. For me and my stubborn heart it took a bit longer and is still something I have to remind myself of almost daily. So many times I want to think I can do God’s job better than He can. Of course I don’t say it so bluntly – I try to fulfill the perception of “have it all together Godly pastor’s wife” – but my actions and thoughts so often convey that I am out to take His job.
As I sit here now anxiously awaiting the arrival of the child God graciously has seen fit to bless us with despite my shortcomings I am reminded of this journey. I am beyond thankful and humbled that God showed me abundant mercy and patience. He allowed me to question His plan through countless tears and angry monologues directed at Him and as a good father He just held and sustained me through it all. He quietly reminded me: “I’ve got this. You were not created to handle my job. Let me be your Dad and you just follow me”.
Maybe you are in a place of questioning God’s plan. Maybe you have longed for a child and you feel God is withholding that blessing from you. You feel the anger and bitterness eat away at you anytime you see another happy pregnancy announcement on social media (I’ve been there). Maybe you have prayed for God to bring you a spouse and are wondering why He hasn’t provided that mate for you. Maybe you are praying for a job or career advancement and you just feel stuck in the same old place while others around you are basking in the glow of success and wealth. Let this be a gentle reminder…
God is good. God is faithful. God is good at his job.
Last Sunday in service we sang a song by Lauren Daigle that is such a great reminder of this truth:
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
Trust Him… He’s got this!